A Low Cost College Plan for Dummies and Slackers
President Obama and his educratic team are on record as stating that: (1) more American citizens (and resident invaders) should be going to college; and (2) taxpayers need to fund more loans and grants to make that happen. I don’t like the President’s plan. I have a better one.
I don’t want any more of my tax money spent proving that thousands of young adults can’t earn a college degree even in an era of extreme grade inflation. So I have a low-cost plan for our populations of dummies and slackers who are presently underserved by higher education. We need to implement the “Five Minute University” as proposed by Father Guido Sarducci. In case you missed Father Sarducci’s original presentation, here is a refresher video (click through to my site if you are seeing this in a reader or email):
You probably think I am joking. Actually I’m not. We already have too many people going to college. The President doesn’t understand that. So let’s compromise by sending everyone to college for a week or less, teach them a few easy to remember facts, give them a degree, and then tell them to get on with life. This will save the “students” time and save money all the way around.
You are probably thinking that the graduates of Five Minute University won’t actually learn anything. That may be true, but they won’t be much different from a lot of other college graduates who had to endure four (and usually more) years and spend thousands of dollars not really learning anything. I think that Father Sarducci is right in saying that you can learn in five minutes what many college students remember five years after they graduate.
Students who major in deep subjects such as communications, leisure science, film, political science, gender studies, American studies, and pretty much any other major that has the word “studies” in it – what do they really learn and remember? And if they paid enough attention and preserved enough brain cells to actually remember anything, what value is it to the rest of us? I’d say about five minutes worth of tuition value. After all, only 31% of college graduates can read and understand a complex book. Some studies show that only 62% of college graduates had jobs requiring a college degree and only 55% had a job related to their major. So why did all of these people even go to college?
That data tells me that we are better off just sending those folks through my hyper-accelerated degree program and then putting them to work doing something productive. Like cutting my grass.
There will be one significant difference in comparative outcomes between four-year and Five Minute University grads. The latter won’t be burdened by five and six-figure student loans.
Another significant improvement offered by my low-cost college plan is graduation rate. The average graduation rate (finishing within 6 years) for U.S. college students at the bachelor’s degree level is 56.1%. That’s pathetically low and enormously wasteful (unless they are All American athletes). If we shorten college classwork to a week or less, that graduation rate should rocket upwards near 100%. (There will be a few extreme slackers who either sleep through graduation or who stay drunk for most of the week.) Think of the self-esteem benefits!
So call your Congresspersons and ask them to introduce a bill that diverts a few million dollars of the federal student loan money to the establishment of regional Five Minute Universities and the printing of millions of college diplomas. Most of the rest of the student loan billions can be returned to taxpayers. President Obama gets his “everyone goes to college” wish fulfilled and we get our money back. It’s perfect.
So what do you think of my proposal?